Why We Keep Falling For Emotionally Unavailable People

I have been beating myself up for being a highly emotional person, some days it feels like a curse, some days like a gift. Do you know why it gets harder to find a meaningful relationship as we get older? because we stop ignoring the red flags, because we are smarter and know what we need and want in our life. Which sets our standards and a certain idea of what we want in our partner. It makes it harder to find the right person but it also sometimes takes us down the road of labeling the wrong people as "the one" .

I have personally spent months stuck on someone who was emotionally unavailable, ignoring and avoiding any person who actually had potential and showed interest in me. I kept myself attached to the wrong guy, but why would I do this to myself? do I hate myself? no, it was because when someone rejects us, our ego feels challenged, our brain instantly reacts to the flaky, cold hearted person and we start idealizing them, we start setting an image in our head of them as a PRIZE but that's the thing, everyone has free will, what if the person is genuinely just not interested? what if the person is actually saving you from more pain in the long run? what if they just aren't "the one". Our ego will trick us into thinking that they are the prize, they should be chased, like they have gold studded eyebrows or something when the truth is they are just as human as us, they are normal.

I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated with myself, because as someone who is self-aware I know what I am doing as I am doing it and I know whether it is right or wrong, but when you can't seem to have control over how to actually act upon what you know, it's hard especially when your ego has you tricked into thinking that you are in love when you are simply just triggered.

Why we fall for them?

1. Dynamic: What we want in our partner or what love means to us usually goes back to our childhood, what we learned about it, what did we see. If you had parents who were not present, or avoidant you might find yourself going for unavailable people because you might be repeating a pattern until you can finally fix it, again a CHALLENGE.

2. The Chase: As humans we like to be entertained and we want our relationships to be exciting too, we chase after people who play hard to get or aren't emotionally connected to us because we enjoy the thrill of not knowing what the other person will do, this usually gets people stuck in dead end relationships with no growth and all drama. Again it becomes a CHALLENGE. We don't find people who are emotionally available as attractive because there is no chase no excitement and no games with them, they will tell you how they really feel and will show you love and affection without you having to fish for it, where on the other hand the emotionally unavailable person will actually keep you guessing and let's be honest mystery is attractive. Is shady what you really want? how will you ever find stability and growth with someone who doesn't communicate or open up?

These are games, and if you or your person are playing games you are both basically just being played, so would you still say it's love? and like I mentioned in my previous post What Love Is, love isn't about possession or games, love is just genuinely loving and caring for someone without wanting to control them or possess them in any way.

What I need you to do, if you can relate to this, is to write down how the person actually treated you, what were their actions telling you? did they really show interest or was it your own imagination, do they even have the qualities that you want in your partner? or did you just have your rose colored glasses on? ignoring all red flags just to fill a space? The best thing to do is to focus on you own goals and life, take it one day at a time if you need to. Don't feel bad about doing this to yourself, this is a normal human reaction and we all go through it the same way. It just hits us harder when we truly want someone to have that emotional connection with.

I understand it is hard to stop idealizing someone you are now used to putting on a pedestal and it will take time, but if you keep reminding yourself to take a more logical approach and see the person for who they actually are, you will get to the point where you feel relieved, where you can see clearly again and let go of what no longer serves a purpose in your life cause I promise the person that is meant for you will stay and when someone actually likes you or reciprocates your feelings they will let you know, you won't have to guess, you won't have to wonder. YOU WON'T HAVE TO ASK.